Sam Lee in heaven humor

Some old posts speculating about Sam Lee in heaven including a “skit,” something I was known for in Chicago UBF:

Date Posted: 08:19:34 04/01/04 Thu
Author: rsqarchive
Subject: April Fools repost: Samuel Lee in heaven
In reply to: rsqarchive ‘s message, “Statement of apology, repentence
and resignation from Barry” on 07:11:47 04/01/04 Thu

Date Posted: 19:06:46 04/10/02 Wed
Author: Etaoin Shrdlu
Subject: Samuel Lee in Heaven

What did Samuel Lee say to God when he reached Heaven?
“Get out of my chair!

Date Posted: 07:37:53 04/11/02 Thu
Author: Friend
Subject: Re: Samuel Lee in Heaven
In reply to: Etaoin Shrdlu ‘s message, “Samuel Lee in Heaven” on
07:37:53 04/11/02 Thu

To Apostle Paul:
“You have a severe marriage problem!”

Date Posted: 09:08:07 04/11/02 Thu
Author: Yul Brenner
Subject: Re: Samuel Lee in Heaven
In reply to: Friend ‘s message, “Re: Samuel Lee in Heaven” on 09:08:07
04/11/02 Thu

Apostle Paul in a Konglish accent:
“When God’s servant prayed for me, my hair remarkably grew back.”

>To Apostle Paul:
>
>”You have a severe marriage problem!”

Date Posted: 10:21:15 04/11/02 Thu
Author: Gadfly
Subject: Samuel Lee in Hell
In reply to: Yul Brenner ‘s message, “Re: Samuel Lee in Heaven” on
10:21:15 04/11/02 Thu

To Judas: “Why did you give the thirty silver pieces back to the priests? You should have deposited them in a nice CD at Foster Bank.”

[Comment: Judas belongs in heaven as much as Sam Lee does.]

Date Posted: 11:38:16 04/12/02 Fri
Author: retired fellowship leader [Yes, that’s me.]
Subject: Samuel Lee’s vision of heaven
In reply to: Etaoin Shrdlu ‘s message, “Samuel Lee in Heaven” on
11:38:16 04/12/02 Fri

Samuel Lee’s vision of heaven:

Samuel Lee (St. Sam):

(sitting at head of large rectangular, gray table that used to be a ping pong table)
Peter! How many you going to bring this Sunday?!

St. Peter:

(trembling with fear)
Um…um…19?

St. Sam:

Whaaaaat!? You better bring 30 by any means! John! How many you going to bring this Sunday?!

St. John:

(trembling with fear)
Um…15?

St. Sam:

Whaaaat!? You are idle! You daydream too much! You better bring 25 by any means! Any fellowship with less than 10 will be merged with bigger fellowships! Any fellowship leader with less than 10 is a God damn son of bitch and better commit suicide by cutting their stomach in Japanese samurai style! Bartholomew, why you make 2 minus last week!? Defend yourself!

St. Bart:

(boldly)
Jesus is my defender.

St. Sam:

O! Now you have committed blasphemy! You cannot talk back to God’s servant like that. You better go to purgatory! Wesley! (That’s St. Wesley Jun.) Drive him to purgatory and dump him!

The lines uttered by “St. Sam” are based on actual things that Sam Lee said during most fellowship leaders’ meetings every week and every day during conference and UBF X-Mas “registration battles.” During one such meeting in a “registration battle” in the 90s, each fellowship leader was to give to Sam Lee an hour by hour description of their weekend activities for the “registration battle” on a Saturday to demonstrate that they spent all their time trying to get more precious registrations.

 

If their activities did not result in getting some number of conference registrations, Sam Lee would tell them to “defend themselves” during the meeting. At one point Sam Lee told Joe C. to “defend yourself!” Joe C. must have been pretty fed up at this point because he told Sam Lee politely, “Jesus is my defender.” This led to him being berated for “talking back” to “God’s servant” and being given some kind of punishment, probably being driven to Skokie and “dumped” for “Skokie training.” I was there, quietly watching.

But what if Sam Lee does end up in heaven? What if I and his numerous victims should meet him there? Here’s part of a post from an important discussion thread that reflects what I think:

Date Posted: 11:31:18 10/07/02 Mon
Author: Jacob’s hip
Subject: Re: I am crucified with Christ…
In reply to: FYI ‘s message, “Re: I am crucified with Christ…” on
11:31:18 10/07/02 Mon [FYI being a young man firmly stuck in the works righteousness and ends-justify-the-means teachings of UBF]

…

Here’s what I would do if I met Samuel Lee in heaven. I would shed tears of joy and praise God for his incomprehensible grace which is sufficient to cover and wash away all our sins, no matter how great, with the blood of the Lamb if we depend only on the blood of the Lamb. And Samuel Lee and all his victims and all the victims of the UBF system and the thief on the cross next to Jesus would praise God alongside me, and all sins would be remembered no more. This message of grace is why I became a Christian. There is no message like it in all the earth or in all the history of the earth.

Shortly after Sam Lee’s death, I heard some interesting stories from inside UBF. One was that on the day of or after Lee’s death, Sarah Barry went to the YMCA or somewhere and took a nice, relaxing swim. Other stories consisted of people, like my mother, expressing relief that Lee had died. Or the story of Ron Ward who was so battered after being under Lee’s direct daily manipulation for years that he was ready to go “pioneer” another chapter. His death was apparently one that many people–in and out of UBF–were looking forward to. Such is often the case with tyrants. As is also the case with many tyrants, even while many secretly express relief that he is finally dead, UBF tries to put the best face on Lee and continue to pay tribute to him and his twisted legacy.

Speaking of Lee’s twisted legacy, there were some UBF defenders who expressed hope (anonymously, of course) back in 2001 that UBF would naturally undergo some reforms after Lee died. No one knew at that time that his death was imminent. So, these people’s approach to bringing about needed reforms was to wait for someone to die. Isn’t that the approach to reform in places like N. Korea and Cuba, totalitarian regimes? But “wait-for-someone-to-die” has to continue to be their approach because Barry and her successors are committed to continuing in the ways of Sam Lee. Thus far, all my requests to describe specific changes in UBF since Sam Lee’s death have been met with silence.

 

More bad memories of UBF international conferences past

As previously mentioned, I had to be in a fellowship leadership position in Chicago during the preparation for several of these past UBF international conferences at Michigan State University. Of course, this was not by choice. (I can say this with the utmost confidence: Hardly anything in my UBF life was by choice.) It was during these conference times that Sam Lee became most like the Pharaoh of Exodus 5 in his demand for numbers performance. The leaders would be made to meet every night around 7:30pm with Sam Lee and be made to “promise” to bring a certain number of conference “registrations” by 10-11pm the same night. The fear of the consequences for breaking one’s “promise” (usually getting “dumped” in Skokie for a walk back, i.e. “Skokie training”) was so great that there was no choice but to “register” anyone “by faith,” i.e. pay part of the registration fee out of one’s own pocket.

Funnier things happened. On some days, a certain fellowship leader would have a “good day” because his fellowship brought in, say, five conference registrations that day. Then, said fellowship leader would put two of the five conference registrations in his pocket, saving it up for the next day so he would have a better chance of keeping his forced “promise” the next day, a way of “lowering Sam Lee’s expectations.” Every fellowship leader did this at some point, and they did similar things week to week to cope with the pressure for Sunday meeting attendance numbers. (See also Henry Kriete’s account of the effects of another group’s obsession with numbers.) When it comes down to it, UBF is all about fear and shame because fear and shame become one’s primary motivation for doing anything (or for not doing something).

Another bad memory: Yvonne T. just losing it in an almost nervous breakdown after a international conference, right in front of “foreign guests” whom she was supposed to be busily chaperoning.

More MSU-induced hysteria

Something posted by me today:

Date Posted: 11:31:12 07/26/04 Mon
Author: Joe
Subject: How to handle “difficult sheep”

A senior someone in the Chicago-COD chapter of UBF has decided to make their recent difficulties with a “sheep” public on Brian K.’s site guestbook:

Dear Shepherd Brain (sic) This is a missionary whose name is Gideon Bahn serving COD ministry which is a branch of Chicago ministry. I need some help from you. There is one student who was contacted by people who plant doubt about UBF ministry. She was ok, so she registered for the MSU BIble Conference. But how her father was contacted by them and want to investigate about our ministry, especially why we were kicked out of Nation Evangelical Association [He means the NAE]. If you have any, please, send me. I will get in touch and ask more questions and help. God bless you and your ministry. May God bless MSU International Conference with abundant word of God.

A debtor of your help and prayer,
Missionary Gideon Bahn

Several things here reveal how UBF has not changed at all since I left: the problem is never in UBF but in those that reveal the dark sides of UBF, a “sheep” is “okay” since they registered for a conference (that must mean they’re not “okay” if they didn’t), a “sheep” attending the conference is so desperately important that it merits this “cry for help.”

I hope the student in question and her father see this because it reveals the skewed priorities and value system of UBF and the organization’s complete lack of conscience about its deep problems.

and a followup:

Date Posted: 11:55:03 07/26/04 Mon
Author: Joe
Subject: Re: How to handle “difficult sheep”
In reply to: Joe ‘s message, “How to handle “difficult sheep”” on 11:31:12 07/26/04 Mon

>But how her
>father was contacted by them and want to investigate
>about our ministry, especially why we were kicked out
>of Nation Evangelical Association [He means the NAE].
…
>Several things here reveal how UBF has not changed at
>all since I left:

Another thing that has obviously not changed for the 30 years that UBF has been in Chicago is the phenomenon of worried parents finding out that their kids have been lured into this group with a well-established reputation as a cult. Hopefully this doesn’t lead to another problem caused too often by UBF: a destroyed family relationship.

Amazingly, on the UBF defense site in question (priestlynation.com), the plain lie continues to be advanced that UBF marriages are somehow “not arranged by man,” complete with much scripture quoting and twisting.

Bad memories of UBF conference preparation past

This is related to the last post about UBF international conferences.

During the preparation for the last UBF international conference in 2000, one of those Chicago UBF “supplementary worship services” was held on a weekday. The purpose of these “supplementary worship services” was to “supplement” the Chicago UBF Sunday meeting attendance numbers if the numbers on Sunday didn’t meet Samuel Lee’s standards. (See “Abuses related to recruiting numbers and quotas” in my personal story) These “supplementary” meetings happened quite frequently. If a Wednesday “supplementary” meeting didn’t “supplement” the Sunday numbers enough, then a Thursday or Friday “supplementary” meeting would be called in addition. At these “supplementary” meetings, it was customary for Samuel Lee’s “message” (sermon) performer to “rebuke” the attendants at the end of the meeting by reading Exodus 20:8-11 and lecturing them about “keeping the Sabbath holy”, where “keeping the Sabbath holy” means attending a UBF Sunday meeting on Sunday. The funny thing about this is that the poor people who were practically dragged to these all-important supplementary numbers-generating meetings were usually people who weren’t all that “committed” to UBF; they had done maybe a handful of Bible studies with a UBF member. Sometimes they were dragged in from the street with the promise of food after the meeting.

At the aforementioned “supplementary worship service” before the UBF international conference, Kevin A. (mentioned in a past post about UBF institutional racism) happened to be the message performer. After the mandatory lecturing of the attendants about keeping UBF’s Sabbath holy, Kevin A. launched into a “rebuke” against those attendants who had still dared not to “register” for the all-important international conference. It went something like this: “Who here has not registered for the summer conference yet? Raise your hands. For those who have not registered yet, what’s the matter with you!!!??? (*)” [This was followed by some diatribe about how all-important this conference was for the nation and for the whole world.] The absurdity and abusiveness of UBF for me was at its height during these conference preparation times.

I had the “pleasure” of being in a fellowship leadership position during a few of these international conference preparations. More on this later.

---

(*) I clearly remember that Kevin A.’s “what’s the matter with you!!!???” was done in the usual strange Konglish accent that non-Korean members would sometimes use. The accent was firmly placed on the “you.” Kevin A.’s “what’s the matter with you!!!???” sort of sounded like Fred Flinstone’s “Yabba-Dabba-Dooooo!” or Scooby-Doo’s “Rooby-Rooby-Rooooo!”

"UBF international conferences: prime time for abuse"

Something that was posted recently:

Date Posted: 21:45:25 07/15/04 Thu
Author: Noony Moose
Subject: UBF international conferences: prime time for abuse

These UBF international conferences are prime times when it comes to spiritual abuse in UBF. This is the time when UBF leaders and members won’t take no for an answer. The “registration battle” is in full tilt. People have to pay out of their own pockets to register their “sheep” who may not even plan to attend or who have little interest in attending despite UBF members’ assurances that the conference is like a “preview of the kingdom of God”. The registration charts showing who is “working hard” and who is “lazy” cover large sections of UBF center walls.

People are being forced to take time off from their jobs to attend this conference, even if their bosses have already said no, even if they could jeopardize their jobs, to attend this conference to “encourage” someone; for people overseas, this time off could be a week or two weeks. People overseas who have been turned down for visas repeatedly are being ordered to apply again and again at their own monetary expense to attend this conference to “encourage” someone. Basically, sacrifice everything to go to this conference by any means. For what? To “encourage” whom? Isn’t it to “encourage” the UBF bosses who seem to have a pathological need to congratulate themselves through artifically generated numbers? This is a definition of spiritual abuse from the book, “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse”, and it applies to these UBF bosses:

“There are spiritual systems in which. . .the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders. . . These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion of the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse.”

These are times when the spiritual abuse in UBF really stands out. I hope the people who are forced, coerced, guilted and deceived into attending this conference can see that.

Date Posted: 21:54:11 07/15/04 Thu
Author: Nonny Moose
Subject: Re: UBF international conferences: prime time for abuse
In reply to: Noony Moose ‘s message, “UBF international conferences: prime time for abuse” on 21:45:25 07/15/04 Thu

Of course, there is always a numbers goal driving all this pressure and abuse. What would UBF be without numbers goals? For the “overseas guests” the goal is to bring 1,000 people total to this conference at MSU. To pad the numbers and fill the seats, as they did in 2000 at ISU, Korean UBF will be sending 300 (!) people.